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June 16th, 2010

Addiction to Talking

There is an old joke about people who talk a lot: “Do you know the 12-Step program for people who talk a lot? On and On Anon!”

The joke recognizes that fact that incessant talking is a common addiction.

Non-stop talking is about using others for attention and approval because of not giving oneself enough attention and approval. The talker is not actually offering anything to the listener. Instead, the talker, in going on and on with a monologue, is pulling energy from the listener. People who end up listening to a talker go on and on are often caretakers who are afraid to hurt the talker by disengaging or by telling the truth about their boredom.

Talkers are often needy people who attempt to assuage their emptiness by trapping people into listening to them. For example, I’ve seen people telling a bank teller their life story, while the trapped teller doesn’t know how to disengage without being impolite. The problem is that one of the reasons these people are without friends is that no one wants to be with them. It’s draining to be at the other end of a needy person who uses talking as a way to fill up.

If you are addicted to talking, perhaps you believe that you are being interesting when you go on and on about yourself. However, you might reconsider the truth of this belief if you find that many people avoid you. Most people will not tell you the truth – that they feel tired, drained and trapped in your presence, and bored by your talking. Not wanting to offend you, they just stay away rather speak their truth. They don’t answer the phone when they know it’s you, and they find any excuse to not spend time with you. It’s not that they don’t like you – it’s that they don’t want to be used by you to fill up your emptiness.

HEALING YOUR ADDICTION TO TALKING

Imagine that you have a child within you – your feeling self – who feels very alone. This child feels alone because you are not paying attention to him or her. Every time you trap someone into listening to you, it is as if you are handing this inner child away for adoption. You want someone else to attend to and approve of this child instead of you accepting this responsibility.

The very fact of doing this is an inner abandonment and is creating the aloneness that is at the heart of all addictions. By expecting others to listen to you when you don’t listen to yourself, you are giving the child within a message that he or she is not important to you. When you do not take the time to attend to your own feelings and needs, you are creating inner neediness and emptiness. This inner emptiness is like a vacuum that attempts to suck caring from others. Yet no matter how often others do listen to you, it never really fills you. This is because only you can give your own inner child what he or she needs.

If you were to take some time each day to have a dialogue, either out loud or in writing, with the part of you who so needs to be heard, you would discover that you can fill your own emptiness. In addition, if you practice imagining a loving spiritual presence holding you, loving you, listening to you and guiding you, you will no longer feel alone.

As long as you believe that it is someone else’s job to fill you, you will not take the time to learn how to fill yourself. As long as you believe that it is okay to trap others and use them to fill yourself, you will continue your talking addiction. Only when you get that it is not loving to yourself or others to expect them to take care of your own inner child – your own feelings and needs – will you start to take on that responsibility.

While you might not believe that you can fill yourself better than others can, you will not know until you try. My personal experience is that when my intention is to take loving care of myself and to fill myself with the Love that is God, I feel happy and peaceful. When you choose to take responsibility for meeting your own needs instead of abandoning yourself to others, you will never feel alone.

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June 16th, 2010

Addiction to Self-Judgment

“I’m such a jerk. How could I have said that?”
“I’m a looser. I’ll never get anywhere.”
“I’m so stupid. I should have learned this by now.”
“I don’t fit in. I don’t belong with these people.”
“I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never do it right enough.”
“I’m permanently emotionally damaged. I’ll never be okay.”
“No one could love me. I’m not lovable.”

…and so on and so on.

Are you aware of your self-judgments? Are you aware of how often you judge yourself as bad, wrong, or inadequate? Are you aware of how you end up feeling as a result of your self-judgments?

In my counseling work with people, I find that self-judgment is one of the major causes of fear, anger, anxiety and depression. Yet most people don’t realize that these painful feelings are the result of their own thoughts, their own self-judgments. Most of the time, when I ask an anxious client why they are feeling anxious, they tell me that it’s because of something that happened to them. They usually believe that an event or a person caused their anxiety. Yet when I ask them what they are thinking that might be causing their anxiety, they will tell me a self-judgment such as, “I’ll never get this right,” or they are projecting their own judgment onto me and telling themselves, “Margaret doesn’t like me,” or “Margaret is getting impatient with me.” When they judge themselves or make up that I’m judging them, they get anxious. There is nothing actually happening that is causing their anxiety, other than their own thoughts.

Pointing out to them that they are causing their anxiety with their self-judgment doesn’t not necessarily stop the judgment. This is because self-judgment is often an addiction. An addiction is a habitual behavior that is intended to protect against pain. What is the pain that self-judgment is intended to protect against?

Generally, the hope of self-judgment is to protect against rejection and failure. The false beliefs are that, “If I judge myself, then others won’t judge me and reject me. I can be safe from others’ judgment by judging myself first,” or “If I judge myself, I can motivate myself to do things right and succeed. Then I will feel safe and be loved and accepted by others.”

However, just as a child does far better in school with encouragement than with criticism, so do we as adults. Criticism tends to scare and immobilize us. Instead of motivating us, it often creates so much anxiety that we get frozen and become unable to take appropriate action for ourselves. More self-judgment follows the lack of action, which results in more anxiety and immobilization, until we create a situation where we are completely stuck and miserable.

The way out of this is to become aware of the feelings of fear, anxiety, anger or depression and then ask yourself, “What did I just tell myself that is creating this feeling?” Once you become aware of the self-judgment, you can then ask yourself, “Am I certain that what I am telling myself is true?” If you are not 100% certain that what you are telling yourself is true, you can ask your higher, wise self or a spiritual source of wisdom, “What is the truth?” If you are really open to learning about the truth, the truth will pop into your mind, and it will be much different than what you have been telling yourself.

For example, “I’m such a jerk. How could I have said that?” becomes “We all mess up at times. It’s okay to make mistakes – it’s part of being human. Making a mistake does not mean that you are a jerk.” When we open to the truth, we will discover a kind and compassionate way of speaking to ourselves, a way that makes us feel loved and safe rather than anxious, angry or depressed.

Addictions are always challenging to resolve, and an addiction to self-judgment is no exception. So be easy on yourself, and don’t judge yourself for judging yourself! It will take time and dedication to become aware of your self-judgments and learn to be kind toward yourself, but the end result is so worth the effort!

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June 16th, 2010

Addiction to Perfection

The following email was sent to me by Karen, a member of our website:

“For no obvious reason this morning, I was feeling anxious and depressed. I looked at it and realized that the false belief creating all this was that I have to be perfect in order for me to allow myself to feel happiness. Yet, there are so many conditions for me to be perfect that it is almost impossible to achieve. Still, I have driven myself to be ‘perfect’ sometimes and discovered it that the ensuing happiness lasts about 2 seconds and I am exhausted.

“Lately, procrastination is somehow wrapped up in this conundrum too. Maybe I don’t even try things because I know if it’s not done perfectly I won’t value it anyway. Most of my life, my critically inspired drive propelled me to achieve some amazing things (including opening my own business in L.A.). Somehow, I feel that if I don’t criticize and punish myself then I’ll never go anywhere or do anything. Yet the truth is, right now, I’m not really productive. There must be another way!”

Needing to be perfect is a form of control. The wounded, critical part of us believes that, “If I am perfect (whatever that means!) then people will like me, love me, admire me, approve of me, pay attention to me, or validate me. Then I will feel worthy. I can control how people feel about me by being perfect.” The need to control how people feel about us comes from making others responsible for defining our worth. The false belief is that if someone likes you, then you are worthy, and then you can be happy. But, as Karen said, “the ensuing happiness last about 2 seconds and I am exhausted.” Trying to be perfect is exhausting and the good feelings are very short-lived.

In addition, having to be perfect in order to gain approval often leads to procrastination. The fear of disapproval and failure if you are not perfect can be so great that it stops you from taking the action you need to take. Judging yourself to get yourself to do things “perfectly” often backfires, leading to paralysis instead of creativity and productivity, as it has with Karen.

Karen states that, “There must be another way!” There is, indeed, another way – a much better way.

When you decide to define your own worth instead of handing that crucial responsibility to others, you will stop worrying about what others think and feel about you. The problem is that, for most of us, our parents and other adults defined our worth when we are young. Of course we saw adults as having the authority to do that. As we grew older, we gave our peers the authority to define us. But at some point, we need to shift from others having the authority to define our worth to our own higher, wise self or spiritual Guidance having the authority.

In addition, we need to shift from defining our worth based on external qualities to our worth being based on internal, intrinsic soul qualities. As long as your worth is based on performance, you will worry about results. But when your worth is based on your intrinsic qualities of caring, compassion, goodness, empathy, and joyfulness, then it is never on the line regarding your performance. This will free you to create and produce with freedom and joy, knowing that you can make all the mistakes in the world and still be worthy. Perfection never comes into the picture when your performance is a joyful expression of your intrinsic worth, rather than a form of controlling what others think and feel about you.

When you open to learning with a higher authority about your true, intrinsic worth, and embrace the beauty and wonder of your beautiful essence, you will stop thinking about perfection, and you will stop thinking about performance and what others think about you. You will know that you are already “perfect” in your essence, and that there is nothing to prove.

When you know your worth as intrinsic rather than based on your performance, life becomes so much easier and less tiring. Instead of your addiction to perfection immobilizing you, you are free to fully express yourself and manifest your gifts and talents. Expressing yourself creatively and productively becomes fun rather than fearful!

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April 10th, 2010

Avoiding Your Persistent Fears Will Not Make Them Go Away

Your fears, anxieties, and other problems have the best of you and you don’t know where to turn for help. At some point you feel totally helpless as you struggle each day. What do you do?

As a layman and an author of a Managing Fear book, there were times that my fears had the best of me. Through these experiences, there is one thing that I learned. You can’t hide or runaway from your fears. Since you can’t runaway from them, then the best solution is to tackle your fears head on no matter how strong they may be. The key is to be smart in how you try to manage these fears.

When managing your fears and anxieties do not try to tackle everything at once. The best solution is to break your fears or problems into a series of smaller steps. Completing these smaller tasks one at a time will make the stress more manageable and increases your chances of success.

Learn how to manage your fearful and negative thoughts that may be difficult to manage. When experiencing a negative thought, read some positive statements and affirmations that help lift your spirits and make you feel better. Whenever you come across an affirmation that makes you feel good, write it down in a small notebook that you can carry around with you in your pocket. Whenever you feel depressed or frustrated, open up your small notebook and read those statements.

Take it one day at a time. Instead of worrying about how you will get through the rest of the week or coming month, try to focus on today. Each day can provide us with different opportunities to learn new things and that includes learning how to deal with your problems. Focus on the present and stop trying to predict what may happen next week. Next week will take care of itself.

Remember that avoiding your problem through the use of alcohol or other means will do nothing in the long run in fixing your problems. It will just make things worse. Managing your fear and anxieties will take some hard work so be patient and stay committed in trying to solve your problem.

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April 10th, 2010

Avoiding Awkward Situations

Uncomfortable social situations are the worst-minor blunders can leave you embarrassed and feeling socially inadequate. A few simple tricks can help you avoid the most common mistakes and boost your self-esteem and social prowess at the same time.

The Name Game

You walk into a meeting and say, “Hey, Larry, how are you?” to which he replies, “Good, and actually, it’s Harry.” We’ve all had moments where we’ve experienced this sort of interaction and it’s never pleasant. To help prevent this, be sure to pay close attention when someone new is being introduced. If you happen to miss the name in the introduction, seize that moment to ask again. Don’t guess; you may not get it right and this will just lead to confusion later on. To help reinforce your memory, say the name in your head a few times. In addition, make an association with the person’s name and a relevant connection-something they are wearing, their occupation or the surroundings you’re in. If the person is wearing a purple dress and you’ve named them “Purple Patty,” don’t worry, you don’t need to share that with anyone else. If all else fails, admit your forgetfulness, blame it on a busy day and ask again. Just be sure and remember this time!

Body of Work

We are all human and sometimes cannot control the internal functions of our body. However, there are small things we can do to help us get through the day. For unavoidable bodily functions like gas, a remedy that is discreet and easy, like refreshing peppermint or cinnamon-flavored Gas-X® Thin Strips™, can be kept in a bag, drawer or someplace close by and can offer you fast-acting relief from the embarrassment and physical discomfort of gas. Also, fresh breath is key, so make sure to keep a supply of gum and mints in that same nearby location. This can be helpful after lunch or when a co-worker with unfresh breath stops by for the weekly meeting. Both you and your odorous guest will appreciate your supply.

Get Me Outta Here

We all do it. You’ve accepted an invitation, you show up and within the hour, you are certain you want to leave. How do you leave gracefully? It’s important to say good-bye and thank you when the host isn’t surrounded by guests. Thank them again for the invitation and let them know you enjoyed your time, but must be going. If you are off to another engagement or have early plans the next day, feel free to include that, but don’t give away too much information and dig yourself into an unnecessary hole. You may also want to mention another time you two will get together, but if you are unsure, a brief and gracious good-bye is always welcome. Politely say good-bye to the other guests and leave quietly.

Awkward social situations are a part of life, but many can result in a funny story or even a new, unexpected friendship. The most important thing to remember is to be yourself, roll with the punches and, if all else fails, just laugh at the situation. We’ve all been there and someone is sure to be sympathetic when you can laugh at your own mistakes.

A discreet supply of breath mints, gas remedies and other quick fixes can be a lifesaver in both social and work situations.

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April 10th, 2010

Attitude of Gratitude

An attitude of gratitude? People often to think it will come from having some great luck or fortune. Of course it could feel great to win the lottery, and great friends, money, houses, travel – these are all good things, but not enough by themselves. The right frame of mind is necessary to fully enjoy life. You need the attitude of gratitude.

<b>Gratitude 101</b>

Your life is better when you feel blessed, when you can look around and say “Thank you, God,” or “Thank you universe.” Whether or not you are religious, when you see life as a wonderful gift, your experience is a richer one. Imagine going through life like you’re a child, and every morning is Christmas.

Of course, it is easy to think that gratitude comes from having what we want. We might imagine ourselves giving thanks if we had money, a loving family, and maybe a house on the beach. But we know there are ungrateful, unhappy people with these things. We also know that there are poor people full of gratitude for what little they have, so where does this feeling come from?

<b>Creating Gratitude</b>

An attitude of gratitude arises from how you look at things. It is the natural feeling that comes when you recognize the real value of the people and things in your life. Focus on the good and you cannot help but have a better attitude and experience of life. Gratitude, then, is something you can encourage, something you can learn.

The first step is to stop and smell the roses. How can you be thankful for something you don’t notice or enjoy? By the way, roses really do smell great.

The second step is to make this appreciative approach to roses and life a habit. You don’t need to ignore the ugliness in the world. Just consciously choose to see the good and  beautiful things, until doing so becomes automatic.

One way to encourage this habit is to start writing down every positive thing that happens to you, and all the things you like. Continue this until you start automatically seeing the good things in life. If you’ve ever bought a white car, and started seeing white cars all over, you know how awareness and focus can alter your perception of reality. In the same way, once you are aware of the good, and start looking for it, you’ll start to see wonderful things all over.

Simple exercises like the one above train your mind with time. When you are in the habit of “counting your blessings,” gratitude, and a much richer experience of life is the natural result. You will have an attitude of gratitude.

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April 10th, 2010

Assertiveness Top Ten Tips

Assertiveness is a life skill; useful both inside and outside work. However, the reactions and behaviors we employ now are the result of years of fine tuning. Being assertive doesn’t happen overnight, but the more practice you get, the more skilled you become. And while you may not always get what you want, you will always know you gave it your best. So here are the top ten tips for improving your assertive behavior:

1. Believe in yourself more – always think positively and feed yourself with positive inner dialogue. Stand in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eye, and tell yourself how wonderful you are!

2. Recognize that you can never change other people. You can only change what you do; and that a change in your behavior will afford others the opportunity to behave differently towards you.

3. Learn to respond, not react. Start choosing how to behave, based on admitting and accepting the consequences. Accept that you – and only you – have made that choice: nobody has forced you into it.

4. Stop beating yourself up for your decisions and behaviors. Instead, turn every situation into a positive learning opportunity for future behavior change.

5. Watch your body language. Make sure it matches your words: people tend to believe what they see rather than what they hear.

6. Use the green cross code: Stop Look Listen – then think about how you want to respond. This will ensure you stay in control of you and the situation, and afford others the opportunity to do so as well.

7. Aim for situation resolution, not self defence. Concentrate on the situation rather than your own feelings, and recognize that the other person is most probably angry about the situation – not with you.

8. Consider and choose your words. Lose the words that signal “I’m a pushover” such as “I’m terribly sorry”, or “I’m afraid”, or “Could you possibly…?” or “Can I just …?”. Substitute big “I” statements followed by factual descriptions instead of judgments or exaggerations. This will encourage the other person to do the same.

9. Say “no” when you want to. Don’t forget to afford yourself all of the rights you allow everyone else to have. And if it helps, remember that you are not refusing them personally, you are refusing their request.

10. Take a “can do” attitude. Believe that things don’t just happen to you – but that you can make them happen.

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April 10th, 2010

Are You Trapped By Old Beliefs?

If you have ever wondered what kinds of beliefs you have stored away in your unconscious that silently influence your choices, take a good look at your life, including your friends, your loved ones, your job, and even your health.

The life you currently live is a reflection of your beliefs about what you are willing to accept and tolerate. This is the vital difference that separates people who live abundant happy lives from those who don’t.

For instance, people who continue to stay in abusive relationships, work at jobs they don’t enjoy, or struggle financially, do so as a result of the beliefs they hold.

Yet there are individuals in society who will never ever accept being unjustly treated, living just above the poverty line, or working in professions that do not make full use of their gifts.

These individuals are those who stand out in the crowd: the entrepreneurs, pioneers, and leaders who refuse to allow the opinions of others to dictate how they live their lives.

They do this not because they are better or more gifted than everyone else, but simply because their beliefs do not allow them to do otherwise.

It is important to remember that we all play an active role in the creation of our belief systems, even if this occurs when we are vulnerable to the influence of others.

Once these beliefs are impressed on our unconscious mind, they become the rulebook that controls the direction of our lives.

All your successes and failures, then, are in some way influenced by this unconscious set of rules you have written. Whatever it is you wish to achieve, whether it be a skill you’re attempting to master, a subject you wish to learn or an illness you are struggling to overcome, your success will be determined by a single factor: the unconscious beliefs that make up your book of rules.

Much of the struggle you experience in life relates to the inner turmoil you feel when you make a new choice that conflicts with the set of rules you have created about life and simply forgotten.

To end this struggle and become the master of your own destiny, you must therefore master the unconscious beliefs that control you.

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April 10th, 2010

Are You Free of Panic Attacks?

You may not realize it, but you may suffer from something that can take over your whole world if you let it.  You’ll recognize the symptoms, but you’ll have no idea what’s behind them.

Panic attacks are debilitating.  One moment, you’re living your day to day lifestyle and the next, you find yourself paralyzed with the feeling that you’ve lost all control.  You worry about the possibility of something happening to you.  It all comes on so quickly and unexpected, that you’re blown away and the only thing you want to do is go right back home.

While they can be caused by a number of things – heredity, biological forces, even exaggerated thinking – the main culprit is usually stress.  As stress plays such a huge factor in our day to day lives, we don’t realize just how profoundly we’re affected until something highly stressful approaches and we’re struck with a panic attack, afraid of absolutely everything that may come our way.  Finding a proper stress relief is crucial in order to help limit the number of panic attacks a person has at any given point in their life.  If stress is controlled before panic and anxiety set in, there is a better likelihood of being able to stop panic attacks before they start.

The symptoms of a panic attack are obvious enough:  the rapid heartbeat, difficulty breathing, the feeling of dizziness and dread, trembling, sudden chills,and the pins and needles feeling in your fingers and toes are only a few of many symptoms.  In any given year, there millions of people who experience a panic attack – some of which experience repeated panic attacks.

The best course of action for panic attacks would be to talk to your doctor, who can prescribe medications and forms of therapy to assist with the treatment of those feelings of panic.  Only your doctor would know the treatment that is best for you.  While a panic attack may leave you feeling the need to hide and can feel as though it controls every aspect of your life, it doesn’t have to.  With proper treatment and reduced stress, you can reduce the number of panic attacks you have, and can even eliminate them!  A happy, healthy life is once again within your reach.

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April 10th, 2010

Are You Feeling Paranoid?

I have never been a person that is constantly afraid of something going wrong with my health or of dying. In fact, I have spent most of my life without fears about health or death. My wife, on the other hand, has always been really concerned about issues relating to her health and to the health of the ones she loves most. I guess some would call her paranoid about health issues.

I had never met someone so paranoid about health issues until I met my wife. It took me a few years to really understand where she was coming from when she would urge me to the doctor at the first sign of a cough or cold. I spent the first years of my married life quite frustrated by her and her constant paranoid ideas about our health and life.

My wife decided to begin going to counseling to discuss her issues of being paranoid about health and disease and dying. She asked me to accompany her and I agreed with great joy. I wanted to take every opportunity I could not only to understand my wife, but also to learn how I could better partner with her and understand her needs. I had no idea just how paranoid she was about sickness and death, nor do I think she knew, until we walked away from her first counseling session a few years ago.

The counselor quickly pointed out that her extremely paranoid thoughts and feelings about every symptom that may be abnormal were directly tied to losing her mother suddenly when she was a young girl. Of course, both of us had thought about the possibility of that connection, but never before had we so seriously thought through the implications of a small child losing her mother without warning.

Of course losing a parent unexpectedly would create the atmosphere for possible paranoid thoughts and feelings about death. If your mother had no symptoms of sickness and then she suddenly died, why wouldn’t you be paranoid that one day you would just die as well? My wife’s paranoid thoughts and feelings were being explained to her and to myself in ways we had never thought of before.

She has been able to find almost total freedom from her paranoid thoughts of death and dying as she has come to grips with the fact that her mother’s death was not her fault and that sometimes sickness and death gets the best of us. If you or someone you know struggles with paranoid thoughts as well, I’d urge you to get into a counselor as soon as possible. You do not have to live that way any longer.

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